Habits.. I was watching the news today and they were discussing a new drug on the market that has been "proven" effective in helping people quit smoking and conquering obesity. The drug, "best on the market" goes straight to the pleasure centre of the brain and crumples our cravings.. hm.. if it doesn't distinguish between eating and smoking, I wonder what other pleasure cravings it extinguishes.
I'm falling into old habits again.. schoolwise I mean. I've begun to worry again if what I'm doing is right for me.. not really even the program I'm in anymore, but just being in school. I worry because I find myself not really caring or being that interested in school. It's not just procrastination for my assigned readings, or procrastinating that next paper.. I don't do work sometimes because I really don't want to, or I can't find the relevance in what I'm doing. I spent awhile today trying to map out the rest of my university career.. and I can't get over the disinterest that I looked at my courses with. But then, I went to the UN website and was browsing through the Job Postings, and I realized why I'm doing this.. I can't wait to get into the world and work. I want to work in International Relations.. that is something I'm passionate about. I think maybe it's just not the best time for me to be studying right now.
I've been stressing so much lately, but the stress isn't throwing me into work like it should be.. I still get by doing the bare minimum.. something I really don't feel comfortable in doing. Today has been a particularily stressful day, part of a very stressful week.. and I can't believe how relaxed I am. Right this moment, I can't concentrate because of a mix of stress and confusion, then I looked outside my kitchen window, saw how beautiful and white the sky is, even though it's very dark outside. I realized how lucky I am to be where I am.. doing what I'm doing, and it shames me that I'm not enjoying what I'm doing... rather I can't stand it.
So confused.. I wish I could find the answers somewhere in the white (potential snowy) starless skyline.. Listening to Joni Mitchell at 11 pm on a Tuesday.. procrastinating again probably isn't helping my situation. I don't get this trap I've fallen into.. this indifference..
Although I am excited about the next few days, Watts Lecture tomorrow night, Conference on Saturday: I get to hear the Prez of the Czech Republic speak, I still feel so apathetic at the moment. Reading my friend's blog and talking to people about overseas initiatives and placements, I realize that I haven't put any thought into my future workplacement in ages.. What will I want to focus on, where do I want to go.. How will I adapt? These are all important questions.. and I don't even know where to start.. I have so many fears about the placement, yet I'm so excited sometimes that I feel like I'll burst. It's still a long ways off.. but I don't think it will get any easier.. there are so many places in the world, so many projects, how can we spend only one lifetime trying to get everything done?
So off I go.. to do more work and question every minute the relevance/consequences of my studies. Well I suppose it's better than simply blindly going about my daily routine. As Plato says "The Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living"... true.. but examining life too much sometimes can be such a pain!
