Stuck in the Jungle that is Scarberia

Watching tv today, and suddenly a breaking story!! Yet another shooting in the Scarborough area, sometimes I wonder what I am doing living here. This time it happened right in front of Centennial College in the presence of many fearing students. Scariest part, that school is right around the corner.. less than a ten minute walk, a 30 second drive, I can see it from the corner of Ellesmere and Military Trail! Oh me, oh my.. I wonder about my dwellings sometimes. What a crazy place to situate U of T. In Scarberia.. middle of nowhere suburbia. Jeez.. I feel safer walking alone late at night down the streets of downtown Toronto, then I do walking at night on the campus here at UTSC.. Haha, everytime I hear that acronym I feel like I'm living in the states going to some valley college in California! Cheers Dudes, I need sleep!

It was a fun day, it started out with waking up and having the softest hair ever known to man, full of roomie laundry day (15 loads of laundry later), pizza, clean clothes!!! and visitors galore!! One bad thing.. it just provided me with more distractions than usual!! Back to work I go!!! Woohoo (sarcasm sighted from a mile away)

There Must Be Something In the Air

Now I have an extra special reason to countdown the days until December the 18th! I'm going to be having a very special day!! Roomie Christmas 2003! It'll be a blast girls! It'll be nice to finish off the year with a relaxing fun day before going home for christmas!

I just find it hard to believe that the end of the semester is upon us. I'm not the same person I was when I stepped onto the UTSC campus for the first time in September. Not that I've had drastic changes.. but I am different in a lot of small ways.

A few wonderful things have come out of this semester! I met 4 of the most amazing people ever, and they've all become very close to me in their own ways. Fortunately for me, three of those people just happen to be my roomates. We certainly did luck out here in F6. Scarborough is growing on me.. and I've finally overcome some very immature attributes that I had in high school.

I'm looking forward to coming home.. but I know I have a tough month ahead.. and also it will be a bittersweet couple of weeks at home. I am however soo excited about coming home on December 5th.. for several reasons!

Yay!! Four things to look forward to! Going home December 5th, Exams Being over, Roomie Christmas '03 and being at home for Christmas and NewYears!!! Hopefully it will be enough to get me through the looming essay(s) and my five brutal exams! We'll see if I'm still standing on the 18th of December!!

The Eye of Peace

What a weekend!! It was full of ups and downs.. but overall it was an excellent weekend. I went home for the first real time since thanksgiving, grad doesn't really count, I was only there one night. So I went home, and chilled with my family, and had an excellent time. Then Last night, I went out with my best friends back home.. It was so different from when I hang out with my friends here at school. Everything is changing so much. I'm different, my friends are different.. Life is moving so fast, and I can't keep holding on to the way things used to be. There were so many people that we hung out with last night, that I don't know, and have never seen before.. but are friends with my friends back home. Plus, my friends got me way too drunk.. and I felt out of control for a brief moment, something I never wanted to feel again. It was weird, going from knowing everyone, and being known.. to not even feeling familiar in my old home. Strange, but exciting. I'm sure NewYears, the next time we'll all party together, will be so much different. Everyone will be home and out seeing OTD at the bar!! I can't wait, I can't wait until the 18th of December, when I'll finally be free. Then I can come home, to the people I care so much about, and everyone will be home, happy and carefree. lol, maybe that's a little too much to wish for.

There's a picture that has hung in my family's living room for as long as I can remember, and I used to lie on the couch, staring at this picture.. wanting to lose myself in the beauty of the nature, captured by the photographer. Its a canal, that looks as if it keeps going, and drowns me everytime I lay my eyes on it. I just wanted to share the beauty that I see in this picture:




I see peace, and beauty.. and it calms me to revell in nature's beauty. This is my inner calm, my peace for now... It's been a good, revealing few days.. and some very good things are looming in the future!! I'm so excited to be living right now!! Not that everything is perfect, I'm just finally ready for the challenge of living every day fully.. Thank you Brett Weston, for showing me the beauty captured, by his amazing eye.

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

I woke up this morning scared out of my wits! By what?? A dream.. Weird, until I came to Scarborough I don't think I've ever remembered a dream.. since I moved, I dream all the time. I find they really affect me. I woke up today, remembering a dream, the whole dream, and I was scared. It's so sad too, I dreamt that I had to go back to highschool for another year. Why was it so scary? I loved high school.. sometimes I even missit. But then I really start thinking about what high school was for me, and why I wanted to leave so very much. When I started high school in grade 9, I saw it as a new start, getting away from the hell that was elementary school. Did I get away, no, I went to high school with the same people that were in my elementary school, I never did forget it. I guess new starts aren't the solution to everything, I needed to get passed it, no run away from it. I changed every five minutes in high school, or so it felt. I had so many different friends, different interests. In OAC, I was on top of the world. I had tons of friends, respect from the school, I ran so many activities, I was involved in everything, I partied everyweekend. I was popular! Something that 5 years ago I said I would never ever be.. I didn't want to be one of those shallow preppy girls, with all the friends, all the jocks after them, playing sports, doing student council. And that's exactly what I became. This past summer, I worked in an amazing job, doing something not every teenager gets to do.. I ran a women's shelter for the second year in a row.. you know what? It got to the point where I was involved in things because other people knew I was good at them.. and that I could make a difference.. not because I wanted to.

I don't know what I want.. I can't remember what I ever wanted.. I only knew what people thought I was capable of, and the person they thought I was. On the outside, I was confident, cool, ambitious.. Ready to embark on an amazing adventure, called university. Instead I was soo afraid. Afraid of leaving my friends, the comfort of living in a small town, where everyone knew my name and face.. afraid of leaving my home..

So I came to Toronto, well scarborough really, with all these negative thoughts in my head. I didn't want to be in the program I'm in, because I'm starting to think, I don't care about anything I'm studying. I didn't want to be involved in any of the things I'd ever done before.. I was discouraged, the one thing I wanted to do, I couldn't.. because I wasn't good enough for it here. It took me awhile, but I realized that everything I did, that was so great, and got me into this amazing program, was so that people would know who I was, and so that I could achieve great things.. none of it made me happy, well except singing.. that always felt right.

I came to Toronto, with all those negative thoughts, and continued to have them when I got here.. until I realized that I fit in.. I fit in a house, with 3 other girls that even though we've only known each other for a few short months, have become my support.. Better friends then back home.. and that scares me too..

I'm so scared, scared that I'll never figure out what I want, scared that I won't be happy when I find that out.. scared that what I'm doing here isn't enough to get where I want to be in life.. I'm so scared.. as scared as that dream I had this morning made me..

I don't want to be in school, I've lost the motivation for it.. But I don't know what else I would be doing instead. The one thing I do know, is that I have people here that I can lean on for support. I had an amazingly eye opening weekend.. time spent alone, time spent in awe of beautiful music. We went to the symphony on saturday night, and I finally felt like I was at home; at peace with myself. I dont' think anyone could ever know what it felt like to be me, sitting and listening to the beauty of rachmaninoff's music. I felt whole, complete, like everything missing in my life was right there in that seat at the symphony.

Then we went out, and had an awesome night!! Thanks moshi, the only thing missing was my roomies kate and kate, and our friend phil! I wish they'd been there, we had a blast.

I realized this weekend, that I need some time, to figure out who I am.. to figure out, where I want to go with my life.. I have so many dreams, and I want to fulfill them all, but I'm afraid I don't have time.

For now, these are the dreams I'm focussing on:

1) Be a photographer
2) Sing in an opera
3) Learn to play Piano
4) Fall in Love
5) Be happy
6) Find myself
7) Make a difference, small or big.
8) Leave a positive imprint in the life of someone I love
9) Find my spirituality and love myself
10) See the world

As I sit here, staring at my stupid broken computer, feeling so sad, and so frustrated, I know I need to hold on to those dreams, and take one step at a time to achieve them.. I can't concentrate on school right now.. and that's my first goal! To feel better today, and feel like I can once again conquer my fears, that's what I need and want..

My conflict is with myself.. but war is with humankind.. I need to find peace.. swirling around, listening to dj tiesto, thoughts rambling.. this is what i live with in the moment.. i need a hand to pull me out.. will you be that hand??

New Month, Crzy Nte

Wow.. what can I say about tonight.. It was fun.. crazy, drunk.. and many other things. I realized something tonight.. that there are some definite things that I need tofigure out before I allow myself to feel anything towards anyone else. I am confused beyond belief.. stressed, frustratred.. upset.. everything. Emotions are running wild, and my thoughts are trying to win the race. I must say, that I had an amazing night! Even though i now feel utterly like shit.. emotionally and definitely physically.. it was good. Thanks to E6. And thank you moshi for comign with me!! And I hope you had as much fun as I did!! We'll all feel better tomorrow in the sober light.. and plus, tomorrow is granparent/church day, so i guess i need my resting up! If I ever finish my antrho paper, than maybe i can come up for air.. cryptic yes, good night.. no.