Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

I woke up this morning scared out of my wits! By what?? A dream.. Weird, until I came to Scarborough I don't think I've ever remembered a dream.. since I moved, I dream all the time. I find they really affect me. I woke up today, remembering a dream, the whole dream, and I was scared. It's so sad too, I dreamt that I had to go back to highschool for another year. Why was it so scary? I loved high school.. sometimes I even missit. But then I really start thinking about what high school was for me, and why I wanted to leave so very much. When I started high school in grade 9, I saw it as a new start, getting away from the hell that was elementary school. Did I get away, no, I went to high school with the same people that were in my elementary school, I never did forget it. I guess new starts aren't the solution to everything, I needed to get passed it, no run away from it. I changed every five minutes in high school, or so it felt. I had so many different friends, different interests. In OAC, I was on top of the world. I had tons of friends, respect from the school, I ran so many activities, I was involved in everything, I partied everyweekend. I was popular! Something that 5 years ago I said I would never ever be.. I didn't want to be one of those shallow preppy girls, with all the friends, all the jocks after them, playing sports, doing student council. And that's exactly what I became. This past summer, I worked in an amazing job, doing something not every teenager gets to do.. I ran a women's shelter for the second year in a row.. you know what? It got to the point where I was involved in things because other people knew I was good at them.. and that I could make a difference.. not because I wanted to.

I don't know what I want.. I can't remember what I ever wanted.. I only knew what people thought I was capable of, and the person they thought I was. On the outside, I was confident, cool, ambitious.. Ready to embark on an amazing adventure, called university. Instead I was soo afraid. Afraid of leaving my friends, the comfort of living in a small town, where everyone knew my name and face.. afraid of leaving my home..

So I came to Toronto, well scarborough really, with all these negative thoughts in my head. I didn't want to be in the program I'm in, because I'm starting to think, I don't care about anything I'm studying. I didn't want to be involved in any of the things I'd ever done before.. I was discouraged, the one thing I wanted to do, I couldn't.. because I wasn't good enough for it here. It took me awhile, but I realized that everything I did, that was so great, and got me into this amazing program, was so that people would know who I was, and so that I could achieve great things.. none of it made me happy, well except singing.. that always felt right.

I came to Toronto, with all those negative thoughts, and continued to have them when I got here.. until I realized that I fit in.. I fit in a house, with 3 other girls that even though we've only known each other for a few short months, have become my support.. Better friends then back home.. and that scares me too..

I'm so scared, scared that I'll never figure out what I want, scared that I won't be happy when I find that out.. scared that what I'm doing here isn't enough to get where I want to be in life.. I'm so scared.. as scared as that dream I had this morning made me..

I don't want to be in school, I've lost the motivation for it.. But I don't know what else I would be doing instead. The one thing I do know, is that I have people here that I can lean on for support. I had an amazingly eye opening weekend.. time spent alone, time spent in awe of beautiful music. We went to the symphony on saturday night, and I finally felt like I was at home; at peace with myself. I dont' think anyone could ever know what it felt like to be me, sitting and listening to the beauty of rachmaninoff's music. I felt whole, complete, like everything missing in my life was right there in that seat at the symphony.

Then we went out, and had an awesome night!! Thanks moshi, the only thing missing was my roomies kate and kate, and our friend phil! I wish they'd been there, we had a blast.

I realized this weekend, that I need some time, to figure out who I am.. to figure out, where I want to go with my life.. I have so many dreams, and I want to fulfill them all, but I'm afraid I don't have time.

For now, these are the dreams I'm focussing on:

1) Be a photographer
2) Sing in an opera
3) Learn to play Piano
4) Fall in Love
5) Be happy
6) Find myself
7) Make a difference, small or big.
8) Leave a positive imprint in the life of someone I love
9) Find my spirituality and love myself
10) See the world

As I sit here, staring at my stupid broken computer, feeling so sad, and so frustrated, I know I need to hold on to those dreams, and take one step at a time to achieve them.. I can't concentrate on school right now.. and that's my first goal! To feel better today, and feel like I can once again conquer my fears, that's what I need and want..

My conflict is with myself.. but war is with humankind.. I need to find peace.. swirling around, listening to dj tiesto, thoughts rambling.. this is what i live with in the moment.. i need a hand to pull me out.. will you be that hand??