This Year, Toronto. Next Year, Thailand??

So much has happened in the past month.. I can't believe how fast the days go. I almost want to hit pause, and just stop time. I've been really confused about things lately. I felt like my life was getting back on track, and I'm getting hyper involved in life again. For awhile I loved it, but the feeling isn't lasting. I had an interview today for a program that would send me to Thailand to live for a year. I was soo excited, and now I'm starting to think that if I'm accepted, I might not go.. why? I don't know.. maybe I'm scared. I don't really know what I want right now and that's not helping.

I got to talk to an old friend today, who instead of going to school and doing what everyone thought he should do, he moved to Alberta to go rock climbing. My sister went to art school because she loves art.. Here I am, in a program, at a school that I went to because I felt I should.. That's what was expected of me. Now I'm not sure I'm happy.. What would I be doing if I really truly did something that made me happy.. would it be so different? I don't know.. I can't figure it out. Which just adds to the extreme confusion that I've been living with lately.

My mixed emotions.. about what I feel for those around me.. my mixed emotions about what I want, and where I want to go.. they've made me a wreck.. I'm tired, and sick.. and I need a huge vacation. I need to weed through the stress somehow.. I just don't know how.. or if I really want to.. because would I be really be satisfied if I was happy? Or do I thrive on my misery.. cuz that's the way I feel lately. It's just so draining. Whatever.. I just hope that I don't let my fears stop me from taking chances and doing something I love. You know what I realized today.. that made me feel a little bit better? That there are people around me who are ten times more mixed up.. and that complicated situations are just that, messy and chaotic.. but at least I can feel that I'm somewhat better off.