Skeptics-R-Us

My thoughts turn once again to IDS and whether or not our actions in this world have any effect. I sat in D&E (Development and Environment) this morning, learning about soil processes and sewage treatment, and it made me think that whether or not the work that I will end up doing in the coming years is worthwhile, at least I am making the effort to be more aware and consciencus in the actions that I take. I am beginning to see the uniqueness and the large benefits of being in the IDS program. It's as if someone has forced me to open my eyes and look at the world for what it is.. not for the glossy picture painted by corporations and the media. I've started criticizing my own actions and thoughts, and those of great thinkers and leaders in politics, etc.

Whether or not we are justified as Westerners in the work we do in developing nations, there are many things that we could be doing that would be a lot worse. The result of our actions depends on the intentions behind those actions. I am starting to realize that until I go out and physically experience development work, I'm not going to be able to justify it. Right now, I'm being prepared on how to open my eyes and be open to all ways of life. In a way I'm lucky, I will get the opportunity to put to use the knowledge I've aquired in school before I even graduate. Then maybe I'll start putting my doubts about development aside and come to a more solid conclusion.

I guess the whole point of this entry is to show that even with doubts on the justification of Western intervention in the Third World, I still feel confident that in some small way I might be able to make a difference in the world. Whether trhough development work, or by being critical of the Western way of life. Who knows, maybe small things like taking soil samples in Kenya could make a difference.. I feel a little bit better about the idea of being in this program, it helps to have friends who are thinking the same thoughts, and who have a little bit more insight in how to understand the doubts and cynical aspects of this subject.

I guess I was wrong.. lol, people other than my housemates do read my blog from time to time!

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY???

Cynicism has got the best of me lately.. Gah, I hate being in such a pissy mood. Things just aren't going very well lately.. I'm in a place that I've been dreaming of for so long.. and now I'm not happy. Maybe its because everythings so hard.. and I'm realizing maybe I need help once in awhile but I still refuse to ask for it. I'm sick of this crap.. gah.. I'm so frustrated with school, and life, and all the shit that comes with being here. Will it get any easier? Damn.. I'm always feeling so shitty when I finally sit down and update this website.. meh, I don't think anyone but my housemates read it anyways, and they already know I've been really down lately. I don't know what it is, but all of us have been in really weird moods lately! I hope it ends soon, we need to go back to the old roomies, with enough drama and fun to keep us in balance! Here's to the good times ladies!!

Foulest of Fouls

So i'm in a shitty shitty mood right now.. It's been a crap ass weekend so far, and it was supposed to get better tomorrow night, but I can't even go out anymore tomorrow night!! Nothing's going right.. I hate it.. grr.. so.. mad... and I ripped my a freaking contact today, my last pair left, and for some reason my stupid vanity has overcome me and I can't be seen in public with glasses on.. maybe it has something to do with my childhood, and how I felt like a complete moron when I was ten and had to wear giant pink glasses because I'm almost blind!! GAH!! I'm just in a shitty mood, plz just ignore my rant.

The Things We Do in Life, Echo in Eternity

Ever have one of those days, where its starts out really really shitty? But then something random, something small just pulls you out of your crap mood and makes you smile again? That was today for me.. It's been a rough week.. and I've been really not myself, not understanding what was so wrong, everything was just cloudy. Today was different, it started out the same, but then things started to look up after hip hop class! I had so much fun, pretending I knew how to dance, and trying to show some attitude. But that wasn't the turning point of my day.. I was listening to the radio, and a song came on that reminded me of a couple of really happy memories of my life. It reminded me of summer, and a feeling I once had for someone who touched me then. It wasn't even the memory that made me feel better, but the fact that I could remember something happy, something that ended up causing me a lot of pain.. and all I thought about was the happiness of the memory, I haven't been able to think of these things without being upset in awhile.. I'm glad I've finally moved on.

The day just kept on getting better, not that it should have, I had my evil economics class tonight, but I was just in a better mood then I've been in, for a long time. My day has ended with a movie with my roomate, and now relaxing before I go to bed. I've had some time to think in the past few days, and its been some confusing thoughts. Over the Christmas Holidays I made the decision to continue pursueing a career in International Development, something that I had to seriously consider, in respect to my values and opinions. Lately I've not been questioning my current involvement, but the future of development and its legitimacy.

On Tuesday, I went to see "The Corporation" with some friends. The documentary aimed to show the negative aspects of capitalism and the corporation. One of the most interesting parts of the film, was the comparison of The Corporation to a person; under law, a corporation is considered one person, and has all the same rights as a person (although my economics professor might disagree). The makers of the film had the WHO compare the mindset of a corporation to a persons, and look for personality disorders. According to the WHO, the corporation has the same characteristics as a Psychopath.. Crazy isn't it.. but it makes a lot of sense. The film went on to criticize capitalism, and corporations, including a christmas message from Michael Moore and a group of lung cancer victims at a Phillip Morris Christmas Party: Priceless!! Afterwords, on the long subway ride home, Sean, Kate and I pondered over the film and the concept of capitalism.. It made me think of how much I rely on the corporate world, and has made me rethink my dream of becoming a corporate lawyer. I realize that the film was somewhat glossy and commercialized but I think it got a point across to people who wouldn't normally realize just how much exploitation is caused by the demands of a capitalist society.

The more I thought about it, I realized I'm not living up to my expectations, and being a good, moral person. I still buy into commercialism, and I'm not really involved in anything humanitarian at the moment.. but I think I just needed to define what issues I really believe in, and want to become passionate about. Then today, in Anthropology, I saw yet another insight into the demonizing aspects of our society. While watching a film on a clan of Hunter-Gatherers in Africa, who's independence was stolen by German colonists, I realized that Development isn't always the better option, that the very people we seek to help might think we are invading, and encroaching on their freedom. What gives us white people the right to tell someone that we are superior and that their way of life is endangering them. The San people, the ones in the video, lived a more satisfying, healthy life then I can ever dream of. They were happy, well fed and healthy. Then the colonists arrived and suddenly the San people were ridden with disease, malnourished, competitive and angry, living in a reserve. What is it with this race, that we think we are so superior, and that we are so right.

I am having serious doubts that the work done in Development really is effective. We caused a lot of these problems, and are now trying to be saints and save the Third World.. but is that really what we are doing.. saving?? Or is the work being done, dehumanizing the citizens of these so called, uncivilized societies. I don't know the answer.. and I imagine I will continue to have these doubts as long as I work in Development.. but I hope that the work I do, never hinders the people I try to help.

I've become so much more critical of the way I live, and the high standard of living that I seek... I hope that I can find a middle ground upon which to live, and that I don't completely succomb to materialism. I suppose that realizing that there needs to be change in the world and in my life is the first step... It starts with baby steps.. and who knows where I'll end up.

Transparency

Tonight was fun, hanging with my housemates and Sean, our new pilates buddy. Then we had dinner, watched the O.C. had a bit of wine, and finished off the night with some trashy pop culture, The Average Joe, what would my cultural anthropology prof would think?... He'd probably say that it tv show is an element that defines the everyday American culture! I wonder.. why do people subject themselves to such antagonizing scrutiny as to display themselves as "average" in front of millions of viewers.. What is "average" anyways.. I mean truly, only a very small part of the population is physically perfect anyways. Meh, at least it gives us the chance to laugh at the fools who try and win love on a tv show.. what a pathetic reality show.. fits with the rest of that genre.

It's nice to be back here again.. I don't enjoy home quite as much as I used to.. my life here at school really is becoming more normal then home, and I'm more comfortable here. Some things have changed drastically.. things are changing so fast, I don't even understand. It makes me think that maybe nothing ever changed at all.. but we just deny that we want to live in the past. I've seen so much change in my friends but yet some things stay so blatantly the same. I don't understand how you can just snap back to something that so recently wasn't part of life. I guess I wasn't meant to understand, otherwise I wouldn't feel any pain. Cryptic this is, but it all makes sense, in the way eye see it anyways.

Here's to drama drama and more drama!!

Death to a Roomie Tradition

I am slowly beginning to become a critic of the great Romantic Comedies. I don't know the reason.. is it the recent events occuring in my own life, or could it be that all the movies of the genre I've seen lately have been lame attempts at evoking the sentiment of a real fan of the romantic comedy? Since seeing Chasing Liberty, a much anticipated addition by the roomies and I, nothing has inspired me to want love. Maybe its the drama in life that has overshadowed my perceptions and the way I critique films. Maybe I really having been watching craptacular movies.. the movies I've seen lately have lacked that special something, the pizazz, the spark, the feelgood ending. Another explanation could be that I've overanalyzed love and fate in the last few weeks, and am becoming acustomed to the idea that we never truly find that one true love. It's a concept that really does belong in the movies.

Who knows, all this negativity could come from all the craziness that has overwhelmed my roomates and I in the last few weeks. More fun, more drama and more heartbreak then ever before! All I know is that my perceptions are changing and romance is really a fantasy. It is time to reembrace the idea that infatuation really is the only solid emotion of a relationship, and if it ends at that, it's even better, no one gets hurt. This new realism only helps me become more critical of the things I watch, see, think and learn. Especially in such a flighty film genre as the romantic comedy.

Time To Crack Open the Books

Welcome to the new and improved Blog of Daily Proportions!! A lot of procrastination hours have gone into making this page more my own in the last few days.

What a start to the semester! I've had more fun, more emotions, more frustration and many other things in the last two weeks then last semester combined!! Haha, maybe not quite that bad but close enough.. It's been good.. but I really need to get cracking on school this year.. no more slacking for me. I've been to every class and tutorial so far.. even on Wednesday morning, totally hungover from the night before!!! But I made it, and I'm glad I did.

A lot of deliberation over the holidays in deciding whether or not I even wanted to be here. I do, I'm glad I'm in school, I'm even beginning to like my classes and this program. I predict this semester will be full of fun, drama, more drama, and a lot more school! It'll be good.. lol, and I think I've become used to the drama, I just gotta learn to deal. I think I've decided that I live my life as a miny soap opera, minus the murder, revenge and constant cheating. This house that I live in is full of 4 Soap Operas!! Its great 4x the drama of a normal house, but I wouldn't have it any other way! So cheers to the New Year!!

Party, Party, Party!!!

Last Night night was amazing!! A huge random party erupted here at F6, then ending up at the fossil with our new friends from 3rd Phase!! It was awesome, Happy Birthday went out to Kate, and Crazy Joe!! We had a blast, tons of drunken fun, lots of great birthday surprises, a radically decorated house, and lots of roomie love!! I can't wait til we end out the week with a huge party on Friday Night!! Thanks to my girls, and to Scotty, Justin, Dave, Polak, Seany, Jen and everyone else at the Fossil for a great night!!

Thanks to Kate and her wonderful WaxPedacticNess!!

Yay for roomies who fix blogs! Thanks

Emotions Fly, but Where do they Land??

I've finally figured out where to go next. I need to forget about the emotional few months that have just passed. I can't believe the changes that I've undergone in the last 3 months.. both physical and emotional. This new experience that I was so excited about didn't end up to be all it was cracked up to be. School, the life of a university student.. its hard. I didn't allow myself to admit just how hard things were going to be. There were so many distractions, but not the kind I thought I'd have. When I pictured me at university, I pictured endless parties, and tons of fun.. only I ended up going home to party, and just not doing any work. I've made some big mistakes, but nothing I can't fix.

This semester is going to be about studying, working hard and having more fun. Also, I misjudged some of my emotions, and allowed myself to read too much into a situation that just ended badly.. I need to cut off some old ties, and be myself again. Not the full of emotion, confused, distracted person that I was last semester. What made me want to give up on my feelings? Well lets just say.. Actions speak louder than words.. but words can cut like a dagger.. I'm ready for this new hardworking attitude!! Maybe it'll prevent me from almost failing a class again.. I don't think I could handle that kind of rejection again..

For one brief moment.

Tonight for one fleeting second, I remembered what it was like to be happy.. to be excited about starting something new.. now i'm back to feeling so down.. I'm about ready to give up.. I can't even excel in something that I've loved so much for so long.. something that completes me, and I can't even be a part of it. This year is starting out the exact same way it ended.. totally confused and craptacular. This sucks.. I thought leaving home might make me forget some of the problems there, but now there are things that I didn't have to worry about at home that are coming back.. that were lurking waiting for me to come back to them.. I'm sick of everything being so shitty, so hard, so frustrating. I think it's time for a new me.... but what will it be..?