Midterm Over, Boredom Sets In

After a crazy, hectic week, that actually was really good.. I'm starting to get bored again, so what do I do, stay up late and fill out online quizzes. It's nice to be back to routine and the hectic bustle of school.. for some reason, I find it way more peaceful then too much downtime. Haha, so tonight I wrote my economics exam.. but I was in a little bit of an altered state.. wine at dinner + exam= interesting situation. It feels like spring outside.. and that, among other things has been making me smile everyday.. and even coming close to being "giddy" at times. haha. Here's to drama this weekend!! Apparently I'm the life of the party!! Look, this is me, or so the quiz says.


You are Snoopy!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
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The Idiom of Mel

So the past week has been full of hurt anger and just about every other emotion under the sun.. I'm just glad it's over.. Everything should return to normality in 2 days. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll have a job when I go back to keep me occupied.. if I didn't screw up that opportunity too.. this week has been all about screwups! Oh well.. no use in dwelling over shitty things, I'm finally completely unsick! That's rather exciting, considering I was sick for more than 2 weeks!! I'm ready to go back to productivity, and hardcore studying, and maybe working! Woohoo, wow my life is boring right now.

A week of few words

I'm sick of hurting.. damnit.. why can't things go back to the way they were.. when it was easy to talk and happiness was plentiful.. fate's irony is throwing out so many challenges.. this is craptacular.

A Plethora of Emotions...

Why does every decision that I make lately have to be so difficult? I've been contemplating the past year and realizing that in the past few months I've failed at so many things.. I feel as if I've changed a lot in a really short time. I have a really big decision to make right now, and I'm having a hard time trying to figure out the outcome. I found out today that I got accepted into a program that would send me to Thailand for a year. I'd leave in September.. it's an amazing opportunity but I really don't know if I'm going to be able to pull it off.. It'll be expensive, it'll make me lose a year of university.. and many more cons.. the cons are way outweighing the positives at this point.. I just want someone to make the decision for me.. What should be the best news ever, is now making more upset and confused then I was before I found out.. I wish I hadn't found out.. lol, I set myself up for failing and I had become used to that concept.. What the hell, why is everything so hard to decide.. why can't I just impulsively say yes, and not care about the costs.. I think it comes down to me deciding what I really want right now.. and I am further away from that knowledge than ever before...

Dans une moment, je depart...

C'est tard, je me sens fatigue, je pense trops.. Je ne suis pas prete pour demain... pas prete a lever, pas prete a regarder la soleil brillante. Je m'occupe avec les films francaises qui joue sur les cannels dans les heures tard du nuit. Je me sens que la vie, ce n'est pas vrai.. maintenant, le moment, il trompe.. c'est pas ma vie, c'est une vie mysterieuse.. mais c'est pas la mienne.. a demain, bientot, trops tard, je veux la paix.. peut-etre demain. Je sais qu'il y a quelque chose de mal.. je pense dans les mots francaises, les mots anglais me depasse... ca va, c'est seulement une reve.

So little time...

24 hours, until I'm done all my work for a few weeks! I'm really getting ansy, not only about work, but cuz I haven't hear back from the Thailand people, and it's almost been a week.. hm... I can't wait until tomorrow!! but then I think, if I break up the time I have left, really I only have 17 hours until I'm done my assignment. So that's about 2 hours of procrastination, 2 hours to go to economics, that'll put me at 10pm. hm.. so that gives me 3 hours to work until I'm exhausted, then coffee.. then 1 hour procrastination, that gives me 7 hours in which to either sleep, or get my assignment done, edited and handed in. Wow, when I look at it that way, I'm rather stressed.. hm.. Maybe I shouldn't think about it and just get to work, good idea. Hopefully I'll still be standing at noon tomorrow. Oh well tomorrow night will be a huge blast!! Yeah Dance Cave!

The Countdown has begun

Day 5: Still Sick, but at least I made it to one class today.

I'm so annoyed with being sick.. I'm over it, why can't my body just listen to me? One thing about being sick and not being able to do much work, is that I've had a lot of time to think.. I've been trying to figure out why i've been so down lately.. I figured it partly out. I didn't figure out why I've been down so much recently but I figured out when it all started.. It's been over 2 months since I've been really happy.. something happened that just totally deflated me, and even though I've pretty much gotten over what happened.. it started a crapload of other problems and emotions. Now I'm 3 days away from going home for awhile and I'm going to once again encounter the same things that made me so unhappy 2 months ago.. I don't know if I'm strong enough right now to go through it again..

In the next 3 days I'm going to be happy, exhausted, stressed, angry, irritable and just downright moody, so I'm warning everyone right now, hold on tight, it's going to be a crazy ride on this rollercoaster!! Only 3 days, a lifetime, a breath, a moment, an eternity, all in one.. who would've thunk it???

I'm living in a dream.. When will I wake??

"I dream of a day when people laugh without cynicism, when tears melt away into smiles, and when hearts open but never break."

So I've decided to change up the blog a little, and maybe add some poetry into the mix. Just a thought to keep my journal from being too much of a rant on my generally insignificant problems..

I'm finally feeling a little bit more alive, I've been exasperatingly sick for the past few days.. it sucks, I can't stop coughing and I feel like I can't even lift up my head. I haven't been out of the house since saturday, feel a bit like a hermit. Maybe it'll get better once classes start tomorrow, I love having friday-monday off, but I don't think I get anything more accomplished then if I only had a 2-day weekend. So much work to do this week, it's gonna be a high stress level one. But then as of friday, its reading week, so I'll go home and just relax. Well as much as I can relax under a mountain of readings. At least I can go home to some real food and a comfy bed!! Woohoo for actually appreciating my home that I used to loathe. Maybe it's not going to be as glamorous as Jamaica or California like certain roomies, but hey, it's just what I need right now!!

This Year, Toronto. Next Year, Thailand??

So much has happened in the past month.. I can't believe how fast the days go. I almost want to hit pause, and just stop time. I've been really confused about things lately. I felt like my life was getting back on track, and I'm getting hyper involved in life again. For awhile I loved it, but the feeling isn't lasting. I had an interview today for a program that would send me to Thailand to live for a year. I was soo excited, and now I'm starting to think that if I'm accepted, I might not go.. why? I don't know.. maybe I'm scared. I don't really know what I want right now and that's not helping.

I got to talk to an old friend today, who instead of going to school and doing what everyone thought he should do, he moved to Alberta to go rock climbing. My sister went to art school because she loves art.. Here I am, in a program, at a school that I went to because I felt I should.. That's what was expected of me. Now I'm not sure I'm happy.. What would I be doing if I really truly did something that made me happy.. would it be so different? I don't know.. I can't figure it out. Which just adds to the extreme confusion that I've been living with lately.

My mixed emotions.. about what I feel for those around me.. my mixed emotions about what I want, and where I want to go.. they've made me a wreck.. I'm tired, and sick.. and I need a huge vacation. I need to weed through the stress somehow.. I just don't know how.. or if I really want to.. because would I be really be satisfied if I was happy? Or do I thrive on my misery.. cuz that's the way I feel lately. It's just so draining. Whatever.. I just hope that I don't let my fears stop me from taking chances and doing something I love. You know what I realized today.. that made me feel a little bit better? That there are people around me who are ten times more mixed up.. and that complicated situations are just that, messy and chaotic.. but at least I can feel that I'm somewhat better off.

Watch out for that Snowflake!!!

I just had the most amazing weekend.. and really nothing that spectacular happened. I got to spend the weekend at a hotel in downtown Toronto. Mostly for a meeting with a group of great people from across Canada. It wasn't that part of the weekend that made it fantastic, it was the interaction with old friends in my home setting that made it so special. We painted the town red!! Did all sorts of tourist things, which was cool for me because living in Toronto, you don't really go to the tourist traps very often. We went to Planet Hollywood, MickyFynns, out clubbing, Milestones (Had my very first Bellini, and fell in love!!), went to a martini bar and many other fun things including ending the weekend with breakfast at Eggstacy. It was so nice just to relax, not thing of the past 2 weeks.. and get away from the borough..

Walking downtown on friday night after Planet Hollywood, we were hit with a snowfall unlike anything I've seen in years. The snow that was falling was humongous, each flake at least a centimeter in diameter.. It made the city look so much more magical.. more so than usual. There's nothing better than walking down Front Street on a friday night, lights ablaze, people walking giddily down the streets.. its great!! Then on Saturday I got to take my friends from all over the country out to a club with a bunch of my Torontonian friends.. it was a great mix! It was nice to get away from my life here, but I was so happy when I walked into Lee's Palace and saw my roomie, and a bunch of my friends.. Everyone had a great time.. it made the horrible, hungover trip home today very worth it.. Now I'm not really tired, after having slept all day.. and I'm still procrastinating my homework. At least I feel ready to focus again, I love refresher weekends.. this was definitely one of them!

Well I can't wait until October when I get to go to one of these conferences again. Here's to great conversations, fun times and more fantastic memories to add into my big Toronto experience! As they say in the movies, happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat! Well, the goats were out in full force this weekend, and I can't wait to do it all over again.