Sometimes.. words just aren't enough.

It's been a rough couple of weeks, but things are starting to look up. Tonight I was able to finally close the door on feelings that have occupied way too much of my thoughts in the past year. A failed relationship that never really was. There have been many times where I thought I was over the hurt.. but truthfully I wasn't. For one, I was avoiding seeing the person, which just made the feelings drag on. Tonight I said goodbye.. a silent one but still it was goodbye. There's just something about seeing someone you care about with a new significant other that makes you realize whether or not you still have feelings left over for that person. I realized that I missed this person so much... but it wasn't how much I cared about him that I missed.. it was our friendship. I missed being able to talk, hang out, laugh and have fun with him. The only thing I regret about what happened is that we'll never be the same way again. It's time to say goodbye not only to him.. but to the person I was when we were close.

I've changed a lot in the last 12 months good and bad. What I've learned is that I can't depend on other people to make me happy but it is important to surround myself with supportive people that help make me happy and bring me back when I'm upset. I had a good, but quick chat with one of my old roomates the other day. We're so alike sometimes it's scary. We both react so much to our environments which made the drama in our house rampant at times. In F6 we all tried to hide our emotions so we wouldn't bother each other.. until at the end of the year when we couldn't handle it.. we broke down, or at least I did. Luckily I had great roomates and friends to help pull me back up. Then I came home... I left my support system.. and the familiarity of school. I fled to the safety of my family and old friends. But that didn't work out so well. Most of my friends back home haven't grown out of their high school phase.. and I'm getting sick of all the petty fights, and gossip.. etc. I realized that even more tonight when I became a groupie again!! Haha, I went to see my friends play a show at a cancer benefit. It brought me right back to last summer.. probably the best summer of my life. And made me realize that I didn't fit into the picture quite the same way. Not just because the band had a new member or because the "girls" of the band changed.. not because I wasn't drunk.. which was how I spent most of my summer last year. It was because I changed. I have different friends here in "nobourg".. I do different things.

I was talking to a good friend of mine tonight about change. Her exboyfriend of 3 years completely changed a few months ago. She didn't even know him anymore.. Everyone could see the change in him.. and it definitely wasn't for the better. I was good friends with him too.. but now we barely talk. He won't even talk to his best friend of over 15 years. I don't know why it happened but it did.. all I can hope is that he finds out who he is before he goes too far down the tubes.. so to speak. But while some people might just give up on him, I think it's important to show him that even if he isn't the old friend we all once knew.. we're still there for him.. and will adapt to his changes. I don't think his exgirlfriend can understand that yet.. but once the hurt fades she might.

I'm still not coping with the change the best that I could.. but I'm getting used to it. I'm working too much to really care. Most nights, I'd rather stay home and sleep then go out and party.. I know how to say no, and I have friends who won't hold it against me if I don't go out. I'm meeting new people every day.. and loving it. But most of all, I can't wait to leave. I've grown out of my small town phase.. I want to go back to the city and relish in it. All this has taught me that no matter how sure you are about something.. surprises always happen and you just need to take advantage of changes.. even if that means giving up what you thought was most important in life. This is me jaded and not dwelling on the past. But looking forward to the future!!!